Those out there claiming to be “the true Children of God” are in the witness box today. It’s not fair to only question God, when many of my issues are related to what his faithful followers, you, are doing on a day-to-day basis. Don’t worry, my questions concerning you are less spiteful (I think). I mostly want to ask you about missions, whose religion is right, and if the Apocalypse is marked on your calenders.

Is it marked on your calenders? I know a lot of you are preaching that it is coming soon, that is is near, but how do you know that? These “signs” can be interpreted completely different, don’t you think so? Like, “world wars”? Didn’t we already have two world wars (though only one of them was global)? And “death,” what does that mean? People have died in the past, are dying right this moment, and will die in the future. A little bit more specific would be nice, especially since we are talking about the end of the world.

“Famine” — have you been to Africa lately? I guess we can also put a check next to “earthquakes,” and “martyrdom” (considering all the suicide-bombers; or is that the wrong religion?). I’m not so sure that we’ve already seen the arrival of the “Antichrist,” but maybe we will know more in November. (Sorry, McCain.) To be serious, couldn’t we categorise people like, oh I don’t know, Adolf Hitler, as Antichrists? If we would, considering that means that all seven seals have been opened… what are we still doing here?

Or is this world the Apocalypse in itself? Would make sense, with Microsoft controlling the operating system industry, hunger, war and greed controlling the rest of the world, and with Sarah Palin as future President of the United States. (Republicans are such easy targets!)

I digress. Now, tell me all about the real idea behind religious missions. You go to heathen places like some parts of Africa and you try to convert them to your religion, which in most cases is the Roman Catholic faith — “the only true religion.” Is it just to spread the Word of God, or are there benefits attached to it? Maybe some funding, or emotional satisfaction?

Or perhaps it’s some weird holy conscription thing, to increase your numbers to fight against the devil in the upcoming Apocalyptic War of the Universe? I’m not sure if converting them is the only thing you should be doing then — actually helping them is smart too. Hungry soldiers aren’t going to hold out long enough, especially not when the devil has distributed hard liquor amongst his minions, topped off with an all-you-can-eat buffet that doesn’t consist of only salades.

Besides, how are you ever going to win that war when every religion acknowledges itself to be the only right one? The devil is going to have a pretty easy match, considering you’re not only going to be fighting him, but also all the other religions. “Stay out of this, this is our Apocalypse!” … “No it isn’t! You stay out of it!” … “No, you!” … Yup, I’m putting all my money on the devil, you guys.

But seriously, what are you getting out of all this? You do know you only made things worse in Africa, especially in the long run. In North Africa you have Muslim nations, in Southern Africa you have Christian ones. A catastrophe just waiting to happen, you do realise that right? I’m not saying you have future blood on your hands, but don’t come crying to me when it all backfires.

I digressed again, it seems to happen every time. Don’t think I’m only out to hurt you, I can see your good intentions in it all. You’re trying to help these people get into heaven, giving them bibles, a heartfelt hug, maybe in the progress you’ll decide to build a school there (which will be teaching the Educational Word of God, of course). But reassess the specific form of helping, if you can. Telling a nation that is plagued by HIV/AIDS that condoms are “the devil’s contraptions” and that it isn’t what “God intended,” maybe isn’t going to be categorised by other people as “helping.” We’ll probably file it under, “the actions of giant douche bags.” (Yes you, Vatican!)

Oh, well. I guess it all doesn’t really matter, because you won’t be able to give me a solid answer on any of my questions, right? Every answer will probably contain the phrase “just have faith” and “because the Lord said to do so.” Which I guess is okay if that is all you need to follow something (blindly). For me, at least some empiric answers are necessary. If you can provide me those type of answers, I could become more open to religion. I could.