It’s a non-issue for me really, because I consider homosexuality to be the most normal thing in the world. Well, okay, I guess the spankings, the need to cross-dress, the urge to bring a little bit of “flair” into everything, having incredibly fantastic taste in almost anything, and the love of pop whores, aren’t the most normal thing in the world, but still. For me it’s pretty clear that you can’t turn gay, but that you’re either gay or not.

What about all those men and women who discover at an older age that they’re attracted to the same sex, I hear you think. (How can I hear you think? Am I psychic? Could be… though that would be terribly ironic, considering I don’t believe in psychics.) You could consider that a problem with my theory. It’s not though, because in my heart I believe those men and women were gay even before they discovered it. Deep down inside they just weren’t ready to admit it — or maybe they didn’t even think they could be. If you’re always taught that a relationship is between a man and a woman, and you don’t question that, you’ll turn out in an opposite-sex relationship whether you’re gay or not.

Maybe that’s the problem with LGBT tolerance. In schools, in everything that is taught there about society, relationship, home economics (wrote down “homo economics” there for a second), it always comes down to the old principle of a man and woman being together. In sex education only opposite-sex sexual intercourse is taught — perhaps both should be taught.

Oh my, the hysteria that would create! The Vatican would be screaming murder, the protestants would be screaming their terribly boring and sober songs at you, if that’s not enough screaming, all the “gospel churches” would be screaming at you too for “disobeying the word of God!!!!,” and to top that would be the reaction of the Mormons: they would just stare at you with this knowing smile, say “It’s all fine! We’re all children of God,” and then secretly stab you in the back when you’re not looking. Though I guess it would be awfully difficult to secretly stab someone. I think they’ll notice at one point the cool metal piercing through their spine and vital organs.

I have two theories about the whole “in what sexuality are you born” issue. My first theory is that we’re all born either straight or gay. Right from the start you are either attracted to the opposite or same sex. That doesn’t mean that if you’re born gay you’ll live your life as gay. Society can force those feelings down, and mold them into tyrannized heterosexuality. If that is you, you will most likely know your divorce lawyer on a first-name basis.

Though the first one is the closest to what I truly think, the second one is also pretty logical. We are all born bisexual, or asexual. Trough different impulses in your upbringing you turn either way. Most people are brought up in a heterosexual family, with only heterosexual impulses. From the beginning of their lives they are taught that there is only one way — “the heterosexual way!” (That could be a good catchphrase for… I don’t know, something that is incredibly heterosexual?! The military? HA! As if they’re so heterosexual — with all the communal showers and the penis jokes.)

It doesn’t even really matter how people turn out to be straight, bi, gay, nonsexual. You are straight or you’re not, you’re gay or you’re not, you’re nonsexual or you’re a whore. Even though many religious organizations and some old-fashioned researchers still think there is a cure for homosexuality, I know in my heart there is not — and there will never be. You can’t fix what isn’t broken.