There is a lot of stuff in the Bible that is complete gibberish to me. Some parts of it read like the scripts of daytime soap operas. He killed his brothers wife, but she was his sisters mothers first cousin, who was also his grandmother and the first wife of his cousin, who is his father. That kind of soap opera stuff. Some can be easily explained by taking the writing with a grain of salt — some just plain can’t.

I’ve been reading up on the Bible — not the actual Bible, but more abridged versions of it. Then when something ridiculous comes along, I look up the actual passages in the Bible for some more information about it, and usually discover things I didn’t want to know. It’s easy to start at the beginning, is it not? So, here are some of my views on events that were written down in the Book of Genesis.

So, in Genesis 9:21-27¹ there is something I don’t really understand. Noah planted a vineyard (because the ground had become fertile after the big flood). He then drank too much of his own wine and soon after he became a freaking drunk. This one time, he was so drunk that he went into his tent and undressed. Now, that’s all fine with me — if he wants to be a drunken naked person, so be it. I’m not sure if it was such a wise thing of God to appoint Noah to the whole ark-building thing, as he is this easily reduced to a big drunk, but okay. Considering this all happened after the flood and he is still alive, he must have been somewhat capable of staying on the wagon during the flood.

Now, what I don’t understand about the whole got-drunk-and-undressed story, is that when his son, Ham (giggle, giggle) walked into the tent and saw his naked father laying there, then went out and bragged about his fathers penis size (or something like that), that it was somehow necessary to curse Canaan, the son of Ham. I mean, he was just playing some soccer over at the pond (or whatever they did back then to entertain themselves), not doing anything wrong — and BANG! Curse on his head because his father saw his grandfather naked.

I can see it was a bad thing of Ham (giggle, giggle) to gossip about his fathers alcoholism and nudism, but why punish Canaan? Why was it even necessary to punish anyone? It was Noah’s own fault, the bloody bastard. If he had taken some restraint, he wouldn’t have become so all-mighty drunk and hadn’t undressed in his tent. And even so, it’s not like it was the first time Ham saw his father naked. It’s not like they had bathrooms with doors back then — you bathed in a pond or something like that.

Some say he didn’t just look, but he — gasp — molested his father! Now, really, he molested his father? “Because the word ‘saw’ is also used in the telling of the sexual intercourse between Shechem and Dinah², it must have had the same meaning here.” Not only is that some kind of idiot-reasoning, I still don’t understand why Ham would enter his fathers tent, not knowing Noah would be passed-out naked in there, and then went, “Oh well, as long as he’s naked and drunk, I’ll have my way with him.” Why would he think that — why would that even be an option to him?

Well, because sex with relatives was normal back in those days of course! Especially if you had a good relationship with God — ah yes, I’ll tell you all about it. Genesis 19:30-38 is the tale of two disgusting and desperate sisters, who have sex with their father (Lot) to “preserve the family.” Now I don’t know about you, but in my mind, incest isn’t the best way to preserve a family — it’s more a way to fuck-up a family, if you would ask me. They made their father drink wine, and lay with him when he was drunk. He was so drunk that he didn’t even recognize his own daughters. Heck, he didn’t even remember that there was nobody around for miles but his daughters, so who actually did he think they were when he was making sweet love to them?

On top of that, if Lot was really that drunk, was he even capable of having sexual intercourse with them? I mean, he was an old man, drunk as hell, and probably somewhat deeply depressed as his wife had just been turned into a pillar of salt a few days before. Maybe the sisters meant to do a sarcastic-type of “preserving the family,” as revenge to their father. Considering that he offered there bodies to raping barbarians when they were still living in Sodom. That would explain it!

Incest is all fun and games, but stupidity is another issue here. In Genesis 25:19-34 it is told that Isaac took on Rebekah as his wife. No wait, it literally says that Isaac “took Rebekah [..] to be his wife,” as if it was some kind of honor to marry Isaac. Or maybe she was just that ugly, so she was lucky anyone was even interested in her. Anyway, she apparently was barren. Isaac had some serious bad fortune. First he was almost sacrificed by his own father (Abraham) when he was a child³, and now that he was an adult he married a woman who was unable to become pregnant. Nowadays that wouldn’t have mattered much — you can adopt. But back then they were into very, very large families, so, tough luck for Isaac.

You would think so, but no. Isaac prayed to God, wishing to conceive a child with his wife. Twenty years later⁴, God finally replied with, “Okay, okay, stop your praying! I grant you, Rebekah, the ability to become pregnant!” Now, I don’t know , but is that a believable part of the Bible to you? Why didn’t they just write, “Isaac had really slow sperm, so it took some time before Rebekah became pregnant.” They had to put the blame on the woman, like always. Shame on you!

Rebekah gave birth to two sons, an idiot (Esau) and a con-artist (Jacob). You want to know how Jacob tricks Esau into signing over his birthright? When Esau came back from the fields, tired and hungry, Jacob, who had cooked a stew (ieuw), said to Esau’s plea, “First give me your birthright.” And so he did. Really? You know, you must be one hell of an idiot to sign over your birthright just for a freaking stew. Couldn’t he have said to Jacob, “Fuck you, man! I’ll make my own goddamn stew.” (Or without the profanity — I have no idea why I gave Esau such a filthy mouth.) I would’ve said that, or I would’ve just pushed Jacob aside — at least something other than signing over my birthright! And afterwards Esau had the nerve to be angry at Jacob for conning him into it!

You see what I mean when I say the Bible reads like a daytime soap opera-script? It just jumps from one drama to another — I haven’t even talked about the whole Adam and Eve drama. By the way, just a little reminder, this is all just only from the Book of Genesis. That’s just one of the forty-six Books of the Old Testament.⁵ You can bet on a follow-up post — there is lots more weirdness to discuss.