Whenever I’m around Christians, or “people of faith,” I am reminded of how different I live my life from the way they do. I have no Bible to give me answers about life — I find them myself. No bishop, priest, pastor, is around to tell me what to believe, what choices to make or how to be a “good person” — I make up my own damn mind. And those answers, those choices, those making-up-my-minds may not always be the most pure decisions, but at least I made them myself.

It’s funny when a Christian tells me “not to live in the past.” I should not live in the past? You’re living your life according to a two-centuries old bedtime story, but I am the one who lives in the past? You are the one who should start living in the present, I already do, thank you very much.

That “living in the past” thing is like the lamest introduction to a topic ever, but anyway — it leads me to my first point. While I am living according to my own gospel, believers are according to the gospel of others they have never met or conversed with. Heck, they don’t even know if any of it is true, holding on to only “faith” to believe in it. Could it be all just gossip? Yes, it’s possible; in my eyes even the most likely of options. They say, “have faith in it, because it’s all-around.”

It’s all-around, really?

Second point: if you mean with “all-around” that miracles, the success of others, child birth, and love are all the showings of God, then I have a question for thee: how do you know that? Considering we know how children are born (“how life is created”), where is Gods hand in it? Since the concept of “love” is not fully explained yet, how do you know for sure? Why is there divine intervention when others succeed, why is it not because they worked their ass off to get there and just had the talent to succeed? (Most miracles are fully explainable, so I would consider that one a non-issue.)

Third thing I’m addressing, is the way how Christians live to please God — somehow they have two jobs: one as a banker, lawyer, maid, let’s call that one the “Earthly job;” the second is one with a contract that is signed by them (at birth), and by God (at the “Creation”). Catholics have it a little bit harder even, they also seem to have signed a contract with the devil at birth, original sin and all.

Nothing a Christian does is just because. Being a good person, helping others, going to church, saying grace before every meal, working to your fullest potential — all to please God and to eventually be accepted into Heaven.

Now I don’t even know why you would want to go to Heaven so badly, to be honest. I mean, to live for eternity in some place where everything is good and righteous? What do these Heaveners (people who have Heaven citizenship) talk about at brunch?! “Oh, Mary, I was just at the pond and the reflection of the trees into it was just delightful!” MY GOD. I already want to strangle myself, and what if you have conversations with that kind of talk everyday, for all eternity?

At least stuff happens in Hell — at least you have something to talk about in Hell. “So, I was talking to Jeff over by the fire goblins, and there, out of the blue, or red I guess, came Lucifer. Without provocation he shot me in the head, dragged my body over to the lavapit, drowned me for a whole hour, and you know what? My whole Gucci outfit was ruined. Ruined! That stuff was just uncalled for!” Now that‘s the type of conversation I can endure for eternity. I don’t even mind being tormented when you can at least have a decent conversation about suffering and pain over brunch.

But to get back on topic, Christians live for someone else — non-believers live for themselves, their families and friends, their own goals. If I want to be nasty to the salesclerk over at the Apple Store for being a no-good snob without any technical (or social) skills, I will be. Whatever, I’ll do what I want.¹

The fourth one is something I have already addressed like, probably a thousand times: Christians like to talk, talk, talk, talk, TALK for hours about God this, how I should live my life this, how everyone should be tolerant of each other — and then when I tell them what I believe, all of a sudden I’m being a bitch who discriminates. Wow, hold on a second — so I should tolerate and respect your religion, but you won’t respect my opinion that God doesn’t exist and that it’s all one big lie?

If you’re so sure that he does, why do you care so much that I do not? According to the Bible I’ve already got my ticket to Hell, so what does it matter to you? It’s not like I’m going to see you in the “afterlife.” You’ll be playing an endless match of boring bridge with mormons, and I’ll be attending big parties with all the bad-ass people of the world.

So to end this whole parade of non-believe — because I think, like always, I have totally ruined my original spunk for the topic with all sorts of random thoughts — I’ll just repeat what I have said before: whatever, I’ll do what I want!